Wal-Mart: Save Money, Live Better?

First, before you read further, you need to understand that I am biased. This is an opinion piece. My opinion. Got it? I hate Wal-Mart. I hate their old TV commercials with the plain, but pleasant-looking woman with her faux-Southern accent saying in double-length syllables, “Welcome to Wal-Mart!” I want to say, “Shut up you bitch – quit trying to replicate the feel of walking into some rural general store that’s been serving the community for more decades than your sorry ass has been around." I hate the bouncing yellow smile face and the stupid $16.23 lowest prices on their new commercials. No one ever liked the original yellow smiley face buttons, coffee mugs and t-shirts from the early 1970’s and no one likes it animated and bouncing around. And the odd-number pricing is just stupid. I hate the greeters. Quit raiding the retirement homes and dressing these old coots up in company uniforms like their clowns and telling them they’re the last defense against shoplifting. Let them enjoy life as respected retirees. I hate that Wal-Mart plops its stores into rural communities and destroys the struggling small, independent shopkeepers. I hate their sophisticated data collection and predictive purchasing capabilities. I hate that they know people buy more Pop Tarts before-after-and-during hurricanes. I hate that they probably know what my next purchase will be, based on the three times in my life I’ve shopped there. I really hate that they can whip people up into such a buying frenzy for holiday bargains that they’ll break down the door five minutes before opening time and trample to death Jdimytai Damour, a temporary worker at the Green Acres Mall Wal-Mart in Valley Stream, N.Y. at 4:55am on November 28, 2008. You are at fault Wal-Mart. You killed Mr. Damour.

Robo-koi

Japanese engineering has spawned another robot. This time it is a robotic koi. Every koi pond needs one since the robo-koi has a camera built into its head – I guess to document the neighbor you suspect has been….ah….errr…..relieving himself in your pond. Plus, the smart carp has sensors for analyzing water quality (you’ll really be able to nail the bastard). The 31-inch, 26-pound fish was developed by Ryomei Engineering (a subsidiary of Mitsubishi Heavy Industries), in cooperation with two other Hiroshima-area engineering companies and will likely be used for more serious scientific and commercial purposes.

Death Fears

Two big death fears among my friends are that their brains will suddenly implode or they will spontaneously combust. No one has actually admitted these fears to me, so I might be projecting a bit.

Unfortunately, the medical literature doesn’t address imploding brains. Too bad. However, there is good news with respect to spontaneous combustion. According to John Heymer in his book, The Entrancing Flame, victims of spontaneous human combustion apparently remain motionless while on fire, show no awareness of burning, and die peacefully. A nice way to go.

Parking in America

I suspect your brimming with excitement knowing the National Parking Association has released its first annual Parking in America survey of parking rates in the U.S. and Canada.

The report provides rates for stashing your jalopy in 131 markets across the United States and Canada, representing nearly 7,400 facilities with over 2.1 million parking spaces.

First-hour central business district parking rates vary from $4 (Milwaukee, Wis., Tulsa, Okla., Springfield, Mo., Salt Lake City, Bellevue, Wash., and Arlington, Va) to $16 (Century City, Calif.). Brooklyn, N.Y., at $15 and Boston at $14.25 follow Century City as having the most expensive first-hour parking rates.

New York, N.Y. leads the pack for highest monthly parking rate of $478.75.

The report is interesting to scan if only to toss out a random quip from time to time, such as “Betcha don’t know what five bucks can get ya in Austin? Well it won’t be an hour of parking. That’ll set you back $8.”

Hail the Tongue

The tongue is the promise-maker, the taster, and pleasure giver. It can get us in trouble and out of trouble. Praise it, revere it, respect it. The tongue.

Slip of the tongue, tip of the tongue, tongue twister, tongue tied, tongue and groove, Rolling Stones tongue, cat got your tongue, popsicle tongue, dog tongue, tongue of the shoe, mother-in-law’s tongue plant, lizard tongue, Einstein’s tongue, bite your tongue. curl your tongue, tongue piercing, tongue splitting, tongue drums, tongue thrashing, eating tongue, native tongue, tongue hockey, electronic tongue, flick the tongue, acid tongue, tongue in cheek …

To Whom It May Concern

Dear (fill in your name):

I’ve decided that I want people to refer to me as a maverick. As an opinion leader in your field, I’m hoping that you’ll take a leadership role in my image remake. Despite the fact that I’m living a traditional boring 8-to-5 life, I want to add zest to my reputation. I also like that being called a maverick can explain away any faults, errors in judgment and screw-ups. If there is the opportunity to talk about me to anyone — say for example the clerk where you pick up your dry cleaning, you might say: “Did I ever tell you about this guy I know, Jeff Winke? (soft chuckle) Well, he’s such a maverick!” You have to include the soft chuckle because that really seals the deal. It has to be the right kind of soft chuckle though. It has to be more of a boys-will-be-boys type of chuckle — not a sneering chuckle or a lecherous chuckle or a what-an-idiot chuckle.

Do you think you can do that for me? I appreciate your help.

Jeff “The Maverick” Winke

365 Portraits

In 2007, New York photographer Bill Wadman completed a fascinating project: 365 portraits. Shooting a portrait a day – some studio shots and the rest in either the subject’s home turf or out on the streets. The studio shots are gorgeous. The personal environ photos are voyeuristically fun. And the pics taken out on the street are gritty cool. Wadman includes the person’s name and in most cases what they do for a living. Unfortunately, in far too many cases there’s a description such as “creative individualist” or ‘libertine” or “ice cream optimist” – which is just lame. Yeah, I know what you do for a living doesn’t define who you are, but it does provide some insights as to how you spend a good chunk of time. And I would have loved to see more shots of regular people – shop owners, waitresses, city workers, stockbrokers, taxi drivers, hairdressers, and even an occasional, wild-eyed street person. Probably a bit more challenging and dangerous, but the results would have added needed texture. Still, the project is commendable, cool and creative.