Things That Depress Me

• hay rides
• build-your-own taco buffets
• hearing, “Don’t take this personal, but…”
• button-cover fake cufflinks
• cute women (and men) who act dumb
• overcoats with belts and epaulets
• all-inclusive cruises and vacations
• the term “all-inclusive”
• wooden geese with blue gingham bows
• hearing, ”Your call is important to us, please wait for the next available…”

Dominant Grip

Control. We all want it. To be in control. To control our destiny. To control others. Existence = control. The human animal sniffs, snorts, and snaps its slime-coated tongue as it measures each encounter. Am I in control or being controlled? Control is power…pure power. Think of the king, dictator, cult leader, or boss. They each share the ability to f you up, f you over, and, in some cases, to literally f you. The king, dictator, cult leader, and boss share the same fundamental sensibility. They control you and want you to admit it and succumb with a smile and a thank you sir / ma’am. Control over others is the ultimate endorphin rush…the giddy sense of power to play god—thus, the maniacal laugh that us minions must endure and support with an embarrassed chuckle or a full out Ed McMahon-style, “Right you are, Johnny!!”

Getting a Raise Through Healthy Coffee

I love coffee. Unadulterated—hot and black. That’s why I’m enjoying the current flurry of news about the health benefits of coffee. In fact, I’m gulping a cup right now before taking a 15- to 30-minute catnap. Why? Because researchers at The Sleep Research Centre, Loughborough University in Leicestershire, England have found that since caffeine takes a half hour to kick in, I’ll jump up after a short snooze all alert and rested. After my refreshing nap, I plan to Starbuck my boss into a raise. According to the European Journal of Social Psychology, caffeine may make people more open to persuasion. Researchers say it hones cognitive function, causing skeptics to be more receptive to a convincing case. One concern: the boss-man drinks decaf. So, if I "accidentally" give him a large cup of bold-brew regular will I give him stomach pain, agitation, anxiety, restlessness, confusion, seizures, dehydration, faster breathing rate, fast heartbeat, fever, frequent urination, increased sensitivity to touch or pain, irritability, muscle trembling or twitching, vomiting (sometimes with blood), fibrocystic breast disease, ringing or other sounds in ears, seeing flashes of “zig-zag” lights, and trouble in sleeping. If I get my raise, should I care?